I feel strongly that the negative occurrences of my past are contributing writers to the ensemble of a person I am today. A continual work in progress; a woman who has experienced enough to have hurt others, to have been hurt and to have realized that all of it is a messy package of character-building.
But — it’s easy to get stuck in a cycle of negativity; incrementally justifying thoughts and actions that foster stagnation. For example: self-deprecation as a coping mechanism. I do it often (less so now) and I witness others take part as well. Like everything, there are levels to it, ranging from seemingly harmless to quite alarming. I personally enjoy self-deprecating humor (most times) because I can relate. Most people can. I think that’s the underlying charm of it. If there is a quote to describe self-deprecating humor it’s “misery loves company.” We all find solace in knowing that we are not alone in the self-doubt we battle day-in and day-out. I mean, countless comics build their sets on foundations of embarrassing and relatable anecdotes. In my opinion there’s nothing wrong with it, unless you get stuck in it’s cycle.
There is a difference between enjoying a relatable self-deprecating joke from time-to-time and identifying oneself on this principal. On a personal note, for a while I considered myself “damaged goods.” Rarely vocalized, but definitely internalized. I considered it just a part of my personality. But let’s unpack that phrase. Damaged…yes. Like I’ve mentioned previously, I’ve been hurt. Such are the trials of life thought lol. Everyone gets hurt. Goods…yikes. What a way to dehumanize, simplify and belittle myself.
I guess what I’m trying to get at is a recent revelation I experienced in the past handful of months: having been broken is not a personality trait. It is and should be a temporary state-of-being. Consider it an existence that should have an expiration date assigned to it. Keep it around too long and it’ll poison and cloud your perception of life. Think of it this way, we’ve all been through the trenches, many of us are currently are going through the trenches, but that is not what defines a person. The way in which the trenches are navigated is where one discovers their personality traits. What I’ve learned about myself is that I have tendencies to be hyper-focused (sometimes to my detriment), generally positive, creative and hardworking when I’m passionate about what I’m doing (also sometimes to my detriment…).
What’s the takeaway from this? Not sure. I suppose it’s just a reminder that time heals. There may be nasty scars left behind, but (to bring it full circle) it builds character. Being damaged is temporary. It is not a permanent description of yourself. I’ll never be brand new, but I’m refurbished and still fully functioning lol.
And that’s all I’ll say about that. Thanks for humoring me 🙂